I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
2022 will be better than 2021
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
These dogs look like they have good credit.