i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity