i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.