i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
You Might Also Like
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
this article brought to you by lions
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.