i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix