i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*