i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.