Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

My Guy

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

doing some research

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving