I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
In banana years, I am bread.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.