I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
adding to the discourse
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.