I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
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All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.