I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?