Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Tier 3 meme

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

just make the entire table out of coaster

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Baking is just science you can eat.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky