Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

neighborhood watch

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

SQUARREL

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.