I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
This rocks
Friday night party time 🥳
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Don’t snitch tag.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”