I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.