I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
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Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My biological clock is wheezing.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
cats when you pet them too long:
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here