I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“and how does that make you feel?”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them