Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Put this video in the Louvre

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors