Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.