@gabbybendel

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

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@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

@longwall26

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

@ComedicBust

*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!

@DHCBerndtson

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@better_off_dad

CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.

@OMGShenanigans

Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.

Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”

@MikeRevenaugh

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons