i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
never forget
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment