I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You Might Also Like
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
HERE’S MARKY
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Velcrow
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.