I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
