Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

My blood type is b hungry.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

A short story of betrayal:

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I think I’m having a stroke

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”