Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

My dress code is business-casualty.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.