Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Probably my best painting.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

this is so top tier i cant

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me