I wish this was real life…
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
You can’t outrun your problems…
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms