I wish this was real life…
You Might Also Like
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
There is no try. There is only give up.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo