I wish this was real life…
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Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.