me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
.. do you even science?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
best review i’ve ever seen
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
sry
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.