I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding