I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
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If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
ACED my prostate exam!
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died