I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Discuss
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?