I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism