I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I needed a laugh this morning.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
#Thanos #MondayMood
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.