I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
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Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.