Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.