I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
WHY would you be happy about this?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”