I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When you’re here for the treats.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.