I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”