I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
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canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
The Weeknd is back
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic