I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
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Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
🔦🌙👣
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
🤣😂🤣😂
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.