I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[shakes fist at other fist]
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.