Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Best spoiler warning ever

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat