I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email