I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.