I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
