Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

In case you needed to hear it:

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.