I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.