I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997