Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, but it was never about money

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

Strangers have the best candy.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?