I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
😂 amazing answer
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*