I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?