Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Pat is about to own someone

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it