I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
me and my fake scenarios
![]()
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*leads a conga line off of a bridge