Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

*3.5 thank you very much.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

#MeanwhileInCanada

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

I’m too immature for adultery.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.