Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”