I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Managing expectations
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*