I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.