Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Worst Native American name ever.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online