I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Growing out my freckles.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”