Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
lmfao come on
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”