I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
In Canada they just call them geese
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves