Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Why I divorced her.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..