Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

All generalizations are stupid.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

My neck my back my allergy attack

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess