Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.