Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.