I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I occasionally drink every single night.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My love language is deader than Latin
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
