I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
