Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.