I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
felt that
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m not proud
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.