Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD