I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.