I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex