i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either