Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil